In this listener Q&A, Cate tackles two wildly relatable ADHD questions: sudden sensory discomfort during intimacy, and the maddening cycle of not being able to start a task… then not being able to stop. From sensory overload and burnout to hyperfocus, momentum anxiety, and emotional regulation, Cate breaks down what’s going on and how to navigate it without losing it. Thanks to our listeners for these deeply ADHD-coded questions! Keep ’em coming.
In this listener Q&A, Cate tackles two wildly relatable ADHD questions: sudden sensory discomfort during intimacy, and the maddening cycle of not being able to start a task… then not being able to stop.
From sensory overload and burnout to hyperfocus, momentum anxiety, and emotional regulation, Cate breaks down what’s going on and how to navigate it without losing it.
Thanks to our listeners for these deeply ADHD-coded questions! Keep ’em coming.
For more on this topic:
For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Understood.org. You can also email us at sorryimissedthis@understood.org.
Cate Osborn: Hi everybody, and welcome back to "Sorry, I'm Messing This Up," the show where we talk about all things ADHD and its impact on relationships, intimacy, sex, communication, and more. It's me, your host, Cate Osborn. And today, we are doing a very special mini mailbag episode. I get questions every single day from people all over the world about ADHD and sex and intimacy and relationships. And sometimes they even email them to sorryimissedthis@understood.org. And when that happens, we like to do an episode every once in a while to answer some of the really good ones. And I've got two really good ones for you today. So without further ado, let's just jump right on in.
(00:45) Sensory issues and burnout affecting sex drive.
Cate: Dear Cate, I used to have a great sex drive, and then I became burnt out. I'm working on getting back into it, but I've discovered that the sounds of sex are making me super uncomfortable. I'm loud to avoid hearing the natural noises, and I'm not sure what to do or how to bring this up to my partner. Any advice?
I love this question. I was so excited when I saw this question, I saved it. Because this is super common. It is a super common phenomenon for people to have sensory issues around sex. It doesn't have to just be the noises involved in sex and intimacy. It can be the taste or the touches or the just sensory experiences as a whole. And I think a lot of times when we are discussing sex and intimacy, there can be a lot of stigma. There can be a lot of shame around like, hey, these noises gross me out or, hey, kissing makes me feel kind of squicky, you know what I mean? Because what we're taught about sex, what we're taught about intimacy is that we're supposed to like these things.
And like, some of the noises that happen during sex are a little off-putting. At least to me, you know, I agree with the original question asker. I'm not a huge fan of kissing. Another thing that I think is really interesting about this question is that specifically burnout is mentioned. And when somebody is already burnt out, our sensory sensitivities can spike. If you are dealing with a lot of stress, if you are dealing with a lot of anxiety, if you are dealing with a lot of burnout, the small things that you may not notice can become louder, they can become magnified. They can feel like a huge issue because our nervous system is maxed out. So things that might have been manageable before can just become absolutely insurmountable. And so yeah, so we see that a lot, especially around sex and intimacy when you're maybe healing from a period of burnout. If you haven't listened to our burnout cycle episode, dear listener, please do so. But if you're recovering from burnout or you're in the midst of burnout, things can feel a lot worse and it can be difficult to navigate through that.
So my advice is that this is a really great place to delve into some healthy communication. A lot of times when we talk about sex and we talk about intimacy, there can be a fear of making the other person feel bad, right? Like, oh, well, I don't want to tell them that the noises are weirding me out because I don't want to hurt their feelings. And that is where I really recommend that we think about reframing. We think about, how do we talk about these things and not cast blame or maybe inadvertently make the other person feel bad, right? It's not like you make weird noises during sex. It's: this is about my sensory processing. This is nothing to do about you. This is nothing to do with what you are doing.
And so, so talking about like, hey, I'm realizing that when we're in the throes of passion, sometimes the noises can take me out. Sometimes the noises can be distracting. Sometimes the noises make me feel a little weird. Can we talk about some solutions? And there are, there are tons, there are tons of solutions that you can use. I mean, everything from like a white noise machine in the background. If you want to focus more on the specific senses and the sensory elements, you can even talk about using things like earplugs. Now, I will caveat that by saying a lot of times people who are adverse to noises, have like that mesophonic element around like sex and intimacy, sometimes earplugs can just amplify the sounds that are inside your own body, and that can be like a different sort of sensory nightmare to deal with. So your results may vary on earplugs.
But other things, you know, headphones, that kind of thing, Bluetooth, just something to sort of take the edge off and give your ADHD focus a place to land. And even more than that, sometimes predictability can help. Sometimes a structure can help, not only with burnout around intimacy, but also just around, hey, I know that right now there's going to be some noises happening and that's okay because I'm emotionally and mentally prepared for it. The last thing that I would recommend is just considering timing. If you are engaging in intimacy and you are burnt out, maybe making intimacy the last thing you do during the day after you've already navigated through your day and you've dealt with the executive functioning difficulties and the choices and the decisions and all of the stuff, maybe intimacy at the end of the day might be a little bit more overwhelming than starting your day, or enjoying a little afternoon delight, if you will.
But sometimes the timing of when we are putting ourselves into situations where there may be a lot of sensory feedback, that can either amplify or help to mitigate some of the challenges. But the last thing I would say is that having just done the burnout cycle series here on the show, burnout takes time to heal from, right? Burnout is not necessarily something that you get over in a couple of days. And so developing intimacy, developing ways of being intimate with your partner that are quiet, that are soft, that are stimulating in a way that feels safe and good and supportive, that's totally valid as well. You are allowed to take breaks from, you know, loud, crazy sex if what you need instead is slow intimacy, soft intimacy, quiet intimacy.
And having those conversations, talking about intimacy, developing ways to build intimacy with your partner, not only are you going to be improving your sex life, but you're also improving your emotional intimacy. You're also improving your ability to have those tough conversations and develop support. So it's kind of a win-win across the board. You get the type of intimacy that you're looking for while also building another type of intimacy. So yeah, sensory issues around sex, around noises, around tastes and touches are like a huge component of like, it's one of my deepest special interests, dear listener, and I talk a lot about it. And so yeah, this question so relatable, so real, so true. I hope this helps.
(06:36) Executive dysfunction, hyperfocus, and the difficulty of stopping a task once started.
Cate: All right. So our next question comes from L. Dear Cate, I definitely struggle with executive dysfunction. Getting started on a task can be impossible sometimes, even when I know that it's not so bad as I think it is. Generally, once I start, I don't have issues continuing. It's just overcoming my inertia of an object at rest that is the real problem. I have seen this addressed with regularity, which is good and helpful in its own right, but I was wondering if you have ever encountered or discussed what sometimes happens after this. The aftermath for me is that once I have finally begun something that I for no good reason resisted with all my heart and soul, quite often I find it impossible to stop.
Even right now, I have been working all day on numerous projects and even though it's 2:00 a.m., I can't stop. I want to, and I am promising myself that after I write this letter, I will stop. But sometimes it takes a very physical goal to get me to listen to myself. I see it as sort of like having an angel and devil on my shoulders as depicted in "Tom and Jerry" and other early cartoons. I love L's writing style. I love this. The denizen of each shoulder is advising me to begin or keep going, but I am very good at ignoring all advice it seems, even when in my head I know I will regret not halting when my sleep is cut short the next day. Yet, I always have the idea that it is a shame to stop when I have finally gotten going. Like I have tried for so long to start that when it finally happens, I can't let myself stop lest I accomplish nearly nothing.
Oh my gosh, the most, the most relatable, the most relatable. And it was really interesting, because I mean, part of this is the ADHD experience of hyperfocus, right? And what I have discovered and what has been really interesting as somebody who works with people who are just coming to the conversation, who are just joining us at the table of ADHD talk, is that sometimes the stuff like hyperfocus gets skipped in the education. Even I realized that I don't talk a lot about hyperfocus and hyperfixation in my content, because I'm like, yeah, of course everybody knows about hyperfocus. Of course everybody knows about hyperfixation. But that's not necessarily true. And so I think this question is a really good way of talking about hyperfocus and hyperfixation, even if you don't necessarily know anything about the phenomenon.
So in case you don't know, dear listener, if you are just joining us at the table, hyperfocus is a phenomenon that happens to individuals with ADHD and it is a period of intense, sustained focus on something. And people, if you've never experienced hyperfocus, if you've never experienced what it is like to be in that state, it can be a little bit difficult to explain or contextualize. But the best way that I've seen it explained outside of the conversation of ADHD is like, it's like a flow state, right? Like everything is going and you're and you're just sort of like making things work and you're getting things done and it's awesome. But hyperfocus can also be detrimental. A lot of times hyperfocus gets talked about as this like superpower. If you can just harness the power of your hyperfocus, you'll be a billionaire. But that's not necessarily true. Hyperfocus can be really difficult to navigate through. It can be really difficult to find yourself in. You can wind up neglecting really basic needs, drinking water, eating food, getting up and going to the bathroom, not sleeping for days and days and days because you're focused on this project and you have to get it done, right?
Which kind of ties into the momentum anxiety, the the momentum anxiety that comes with having ADHD because those moments of hyperfocus can be rare for some people and they can be really difficult to find. And so when you do find that you have the momentum to clean your bathroom or clean your house or organize your bookshelves or whatever, you want to do it right now because you know that that feeling can be fleeting. And so we train ourselves to kind of respond to that momentum. But that can also then sort of cascade into a host of other problems. For instance, this is a true story about me, dear listener, I literally cut a hole in my bathroom wall because I was like, I have the momentum to install this medicine cabinet. I'm like, I got to do it now. I got to, we're going to, we're going to get through the whole project, only to discover that there was like a stud in the wrong place and I didn't have the right tool and it just became a mess because I acted impulsively. I jumped into that momentum anxiety and I was like, if I don't do it now, I'm not going to, I'm not going to finish. And so that is, that's a real fear.
Our productive state can feel precious. Our productive state can feel rare. But it is important to make sure that we are supporting ourselves. It's important to know that we are taking care of ourselves in those moments when we are feeling productive. The other thing is sort of compensation, right? Because I don't, again, I don't know about you, dear listener, but I go through a lot of periods of not having momentum. I go through a lot of periods of really struggling. And I know I talked about burnout already, but like especially if you are coming out of burnout, that momentum can be rare. And so our brains can wind up kind of compensating for that. And I've spent all this time not doing the thing. I've spent all this time not doing the stuff that I needed to. So like now I'm just going to get it done. I'm just going to do it as much as I can.
On top of that, I always feel like I say this all the time and it's become such a trite joke, but sometimes when you start pulling at the thread of like one thing, you start to just realize how interconnected everything is. But the next part of this is executive function, right? Our executive functioning, one of them is task management and task switching, the ability to move between task to task. And task management and task switching is also related to emotional regulation. And so for some people, if they are interrupted in the middle of hyperfocus and they are struggling with like, hey, I really should be walking the dog, I really should be focusing on, you know, sending that email to my boss, but instead I'm organizing my bookshelves. It can be emotionally dysregulating to switch, and you can have big emotions. You can get angry and frustrated and have a sense of like, oh, I'm this a screw up or whatever, you know? There's a lot of emotions that come with tasks being interrupted and the need to switch tasks.
On top of all of that, there is also time blindness, right? Our sense of time, they've studied it over and over and over, and people with ADHD, our sense of time perception is different. We perceive time differently. It is harder for us to know how much time has gone past, and it is harder for us to estimate how long a task is going to take. And so if you are hyperfocused on something, you might think that you've been sitting at your computer for an hour, but it's actually been four or five or six. You know, similarly, how long can putting a medicine cabinet in my bathroom wall take? Spoilers, it did not take the 25 minutes that the YouTube video that I watched seemed to imply that it would.
And so yeah, so it's very complicated, right? It's very complicated, very quickly. And what is frustrating, I guess, for me is even even though I understand that, even though I understand sort of intellectually as somebody who talks about ADHD, I understand the layers of like hyperfocus, hyperfixation, time management, executive functioning, time blindness, you know, emotional dysregulation. It doesn't mean that that still doesn't happen to me. It doesn't mean that I still don't get hyperfocused and I forget to pee and I forget to eat and now and then I'm all cranky and mad because I'm hangry and my tummy hurts, you know?
And so there are some solutions that I can offer. There are some, some things that I can recommend. And the first is just having external circuit breakers. If you know that you tend to get locked in, if you know that you really tend to struggle with, I'm just, I just have to get this project done, make sure that you're still drinking water. Make sure that you are still feeding yourself. Make sure that you are still tending to your daily needs. And so sometimes that has to come externally. What I usually do is I set an alarm on my phone for a reasonable amount of time, half hour, 45 minutes, whatever. But I leave my phone in the other room. So when the alarm goes off, I have to get up out of my chair and go get it. And what I will usually do is put like a bottle of water next to my phone and I go, "Oh, bottle of water. I am thirsty because I've been hyperfocused for two hours. I'll take a drink of water." That kind of thing.
Another thing is sort of pre-planning, thinking ahead, right? Um, the L who wrote the beautiful email talked about, you know, after I write this email, I'm going to go to bed. You can do that. You can set limits on the front end and you can set limits on the back end, you know? And say, I'm going to work on this for an hour. I'm going to give myself permission to focus on this for two hours or three hours or whatever. And then I'm going to eat a snack. And then, as part of my hyperfocus, as part of doing the thing, I'm going to eat a snack. I'm going to take a break. The break is built into the moment of hyperfocus.
Lastly, I think something that was really difficult for me is that I really did think of stopping as like, I've failed. I have failed. I have a weird relationship to failure. But I was like, oh no, I didn't have, you know, it's 4:00 in the morning and I'm literally passing out from exhaustion, but I didn't finish repainting the whole living room in one night, right? Oh no, I failed. I screwed up. I'm a screw up. Instead, what can help is to contextualize stopping as gearing up for tomorrow. You are taking care of yourself. In choosing to go to bed at a reasonable time, in choosing to stop and take breaks and hydrate and feed yourself and walk your dog and all of those things. What you are doing is you are actually giving yourself more time on the back end. You are preventing burnout. You are preventing yourself from going so far down the rabbit hole that you are emotionally disregulated and hangry and having a really bad day.
Setting yourself up for success by stopping just means that you are more likely to have the energy to start again tomorrow. And that can be difficult. That can be really hard because I know in my soul and in my heart like that sometimes the motivation does go away tomorrow, right? And sometimes projects will sit undone if I stop. But I think it's a really delicate balance between recognizing that cycle, recognizing that honoring the momentum, honoring the I really am feeling the vibe of getting this thing done. And then looking and saying, hey, and I also know that I'm going to feel like shit about myself in five months if I look at the medicine cabinet and it's still not finished. I don't want to do this right now. It is going to be a pain in the ass to finish, but it's really important. So I'm going to dedicate an hour of time to do the thing that I really don't want to do in order to again, that kind of creating more energy to do the next thing tomorrow and not delving into burnout, not delving into self-hatred or shame, judgment, embarrassment, those kind of negative feelings around the lack of momentum.
Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for being here. I love these mini sodes. I love mailbag episodes. They're one of my favorite things. So please, please, please, please, please send in your questions, send in your comments at sorryimissedthis@understood.org. Uh, if you're feeling spicy, you can also email cate@catesaurus.com. And yeah, I read every email that I get. We read every message that we get about the show. If you have a great question that you'd love to see on a mailbag episode, hit us up. But other than that, thank you so much for being here, everybody, and I will see you again next time.
Thank you for listening! Anything mentioned in the episode will be linked in the show notes, with more resources. Have a question, comment, burning story you'd like to share? Email us at SorryImissedthis@understood.org.
This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.
"Sorry, I Missed This" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis.
Video is produced by Calvin Knie and edited by Jessie DiMartino. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Production support provided by Andrew Rector.
Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. From Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Jordan Davidson.
And I'm your host, Cate Osborn. Thank you SO much for listening!
That isn't on like the wet slapping noises. I'm not allowed to say that on the podcast, am I? I can't say wet slapping noises on understood.org, can I?