Do you have a lot of clutter in your home? Does this clutter prevent you from doing other things, like finding the things you need, or inviting guests over? This week on Tips from an ADHD Coach, Jaye discusses how it’s common for those of us with ADHD to have a lot of clutter in our home — clutter that we have a lot of emotional connection to, and also, a lot of frustration about. This is also the last episode of Tips from an ADHD Coach. Find Jaye on her socials below!
Do you have a lot of clutter in your home? Does this clutter prevent you from doing other things, like finding the things you need, or inviting guests over?
This week on Tips from an ADHD Coach, Jaye discusses how it’s common for those of us with ADHD to have a lot of clutter in our home — clutter that we have a lot of emotional connection to, and also, a lot of frustration about.
This is also the last episode of Tips from an ADHD Coach. Find Jaye on her socials below!
Related resources
Timestamps
(00:00) Intro
(00:52) Carly’s quote
(02:35) ADHD and clutter
(07:18) What can we do if we want to organize/get rid of our clutter?
(12:19) Recap
(13:30) Credits
We love hearing from our listeners! Email us at adhdcoachtips@understood.org
Jaye Lin: Do you have a lot of clutter in your home? Does this clutter prevent you from doing other things, like finding the things you need or inviting guests over?
This is “Tips from an ADHD Coach,” and I'm your coach, Jaye Lin.
Today we're talking about how it's common for those of us with ADHD to have a lot of clutter in our home that we have a lot of emotional connection to — and also, a lot of frustration about.
Heads up, I also wanted to share that this is the last episode of “Tips from an ADHD Coach.” It's been such a pleasure writing and recording these and seeing our community here grow. In case you'd like to find me in the future, links to my other podcast and socials are in the notes below. With that said, let's get on to the episode. We're going to hear from Carly, who shared with us about how clutter affects her life.
Carly: The clutter I have in my home is a lot. I feel like I can't focus unless everything's in its right spot, but I'm definitely not a minimalist. I love trinkets and tchotchkes and a lot of things. I just — I need things to be where they are or else I just feel very unorganized. Every week my room becomes very, very, very messy in a way that my roommates, my boyfriend, even I don't understand how it gets that way.
I think I am very bad at getting rid of things. I look at things and I find a meaning and a reason for why it's here, so there's a lot of clothes, a lot of stuff, a lot of stuffed animals, all those things. So it is overwhelming for me to declutter and get rid of stuff.
When I discard an item that I want to get rid of but I find sentimental, I feel sad and just scared that I'm going to regret it. I think, “Am I going to want this in the future? Or is my baby going to want this in the future? Or maybe I'm going to lose some weight and this is going to fit me in the future?” I come up with all of these scenarios to kind of question myself.
And the consequences from keeping clutter in my home are there's not space for new stuff. It's also hard to find stuff because it's so packed, and it's not easy to just look and find one thing, because you kind of have to dig. I wish instead I was able to get rid of things easily without thinking about it and just live a more easier, organized life.
Jaye Lin: There are so many ways having ADHD affects our ability to cut down on the amount of clutter we keep, which is why organizing or getting rid of clutter is one of the top challenges my clients come to me with. And also, me. I'll openly admit that maintaining the clutter in my home is an ongoing challenge, and I'm the maximalist of all maximalists.
The dopamine rush of new things
Jaye Lin: The first way ADHD affects clutter is that getting more stuff tends to give us boosts of dopamine. It's common for us to feel really good when we think about the possibilities of an item before we buy it, which motivates us to get it. This new hobby might change my life. This dress makes me feel really great. I'm sure there's something I could wear it to. I already have enough shoes, but this pair is on sale.
But that dopamine can start to wane after we get the item because now we have to do something with it, and the fantasy is over.
Executive function and task management
Jaye Lin: Also, managing clutter can take a lot more intention and effort for us than it would for someone who doesn't have ADHD. We have lower executive function, and this means that for many of us, at our baseline, we can only focus on one function at a time, while a neurotypical person might be able to keep multiple priorities and tasks in their head all at once.
An example is when my neurotypical coworker would go to the bathroom. She would stand up, pick up her dirty mug, grab the empty wrapper from the protein bar she finished, discard those things in the kitchen, stop by my desk to ask if we're still on for lunch today, and then head to the bathroom. She was always confused why there were so many used mugs on my desk, so many wrappers, because why wasn't I taking these things to the kitchen every time I got up?
Well, because I had to go to the bathroom. So I stood up and walked to the bathroom. To her, it seemed like a no-brainer to just pick up her garbage whenever she was out of her seat, because it was. Her brain could process all of the other stuff she could do at the same time while maintaining her original task of going to the bathroom.
For us, not only is it harder for us to even think about the other items we could be doing at the same time, but it's also common for it to knock us off course when we try to. That's why there are so many stories of how we went to put our clothes in the washer, then remembered we should get the dirty clothes out of our car first, then noticed that the car had a lot of trash in it, then decided that we should get a trash receptacle for our car.
So we looked up trash bins that we could buy, then noticed that the store has a sale on skincare today, etc., etc. until the whole day has gone by and we haven't gotten anything done — and our laundry is still unwashed.
Each of these side quests can create pathways away from the original quest, which doesn't tend to happen as much for neurotypicals. What this means is that while it might be a mindless activity for someone who doesn't have ADHD to put things in their rightful place, tidy up, and declutter, it usually requires a good deal of intention and focus for us to do it.
The process of organizing can also be more overwhelming for us because of our lower executive function. It can be harder for us to work out complex logistics and how we're going to categorize everything in our heads. So it's common for us to get overwhelmed with everything we have to do, which can lead to us avoiding it.
This also means that we tend to pay more attention to the things we see on a regular basis because our brains have a lower capacity to constantly remember everything we own, where it should go, and what we need to do about it. It isn't just that something is out of sight, out of mind. It would actually put a lot of strain on our brains and impact our everyday function if we had to keep everything out of sight in our minds in a way that wouldn't affect someone who has higher executive function.
This explains why so many of us, myself included, have a tendency to leave things out in the open instead of organizing them into bins, drawers, etc. Because if we put that thing away, we might forget about it entirely.
Emotional dysregulation and sentimental items
Jaye Lin: The last way ADHD affects our ability to declutter is how our emotional dysregulation impacts our emotions around that clutter. This includes what Carly talked about — the negative emotions we experience when faced with getting rid of each item. With emotional dysregulation, our emotional response can feel stronger. This can amplify the effects of that joy and nostalgia when we encounter sentimental items and can make it painful for us to get rid of them.
Emotional dysregulation can also make us feel guilty about getting rid of something that still has value, especially if we were raised in households that didn't have very much. The act of decluttering can even make us feel overwhelming shame about our history of not being able to declutter. Despite knowing that decluttering might be an overall improvement in our lives, it can feel like doing so will take forever and take everything out of us.
Jaye Lin: So what can we do if we want to get rid of and organize our clutter? It's important to address what is difficult with decluttering. If it's because figuring out how to organize everything is overwhelming, then I suggest doing one very small organization project at a time, like, “declutter my desk,” “declutter the kitchen island” — something that could take less than an hour to start and finish. None of this “declutter the whole house” business. If the process seems huge and daunting, it's more likely for us to avoid getting started on it, and it's more likely that we will quit part of the way through because the end goal seems so far away.
I start with a very small project, then clear one section at a time until it looks the way I want it to so that I can get the dopamine of seeing progress, which encourages me to continue.
What if you don’t want to get rid of anything?
Jaye Lin: So, what if the difficulty with decluttering is because we don't want to get rid of anything? Is it because this item is still valuable? I would argue any item that's being stored away unused is not living up to its value. In fact, it's taking up space in our homes, which we pay for. So we're actually paying for it to sit unused and unvalued.
I started listing the stuff I haven't used in years on Buy Nothing groups and giving them away. Someone in my neighborhood will comment on the item and tell me how much having this item would improve their lives. It actually feels really good for something I treasured in the past to be given to someone who will treasure it in the present and future.
Is it because it could give us value later on? If I lose X amount of weight, these clothes will fit again. Well, if my body will be changing in the future, my guess is that I won't want to wear all of my old clothes anyway. I'll probably feel excited about getting new clothes to wear. I haven't used this item in 10 years, but who knows? Maybe I will magically want to soon. That's another reason why Buy Nothing groups are great. If I did give it away and then need it in the future, I could ask if anyone is willing to gift theirs to me.
Jaye Lin: Is it because these items are sentimental? My clients often say this — that they know they have to get rid of all of the boxes in their closet or garage, but every time they go through those boxes, they're flooded with nostalgia and sentimental feelings and can't get themselves to get rid of anything. I usually ask them how often they encounter those items in those boxes outside of their decluttering sessions. The most common answer is never.
If something has sentimental value for you, decluttering should not be the only time you get to experience it. We should not only get to experience the things that bring us joy when we're trying to get rid of them. It's no surprise that we feel big swells of emotions around something we haven't seen in years.
Go and spend time with your sentimental items without the threat of discarding anything. Let yourself experience all of those items on a regular basis, and it's possible that some of them won't feel as critical for you to keep when decluttering time arrives. I also find it helpful when I'm deciding what to get rid of to have someone there with me to tell all my nostalgic stories to. Once I put that memory out there with another person, it doesn't feel as necessary for me to hold on to, since now it's an experience I'm sharing with a person I love.
Jaye Lin: Another strategy I recommend is to decide on the maximum amount of something. So, for example, I have three clothing racks with 100 hangers. I can only add to the collection if I get rid of something. If I buy a dress or a pair of pants, I have to decide which hanging item I want it to replace. So maybe I felt resistance to getting rid of this skirt I bought in 2016 that still has the tag on it because I still think it's cute, even if I never feel the urge to wear it over the other clothes I have. In order to get this new blouse I love, I'm willing to knock that skirt into the donate pile.
When I see a new item of clothing I want to buy, I first take a look at the clothes I have and ask myself if I would choose it over the existing options I have. I still allow myself to fantasize about how cute that outfit would be, but this makes it easier for me to ultimately decide not to get it.
I also suggest using a deadline for getting rid of things. If you told me to get rid of all of the clothing I haven't worn in two years, it would be hard for me to, because I totally want to wear them in the future. So, instead, I said that I would have to get rid of anything on these racks that I haven't worn by this time next year. There are a lot of things I don't want to get rid of, so I've been finding occasions to wear some of these outfits. I've been deciding to wear some of the things on my rack instead of wearing the same 10 outfits over and over again.
Having a future deadline instead of a right-now deadline allows me to utilize more of the things I have on a regular basis and gives me pings of dopamine with the opportunity I have to keep these items.
If you decide you still want to keep it all, I suggest acknowledging the benefits of keeping these items over what you would be giving up in order to do so. If having clutter really does bring you joy but maybe makes you uncomfortable inviting people over, that might be fine. You can always host something outside of your home, like at a park or at a restaurant. We don't have to invite people to our home just because other people do. Choose whatever path brings you the most joy and comfort.
Jaye Lin: Managing clutter can be harder for us with ADHD because we get dopamine when fantasizing about getting new stuff, and we have lower executive function for organizing all of it. While a neurotypical person might find it a no-brainer to tidy up and organize while doing other things, our lower executive function requires us to focus on one task at a time or risk getting thrown off course.
This can also make organizing everything harder and nudge us toward leaving things out in the open so it's not out of sight, out of mind. And our emotional dysregulation can amplify our emotions around items and decluttering, making it harder for us to get rid of items that are sentimental or still have value.
But we can be more successful with managing the clutter in our home if we allow ourselves to experience our sentimental items on a regular basis without the threat of discarding them, which can lessen their emotional impact. We can decide on a maximum amount of something so we can let go of an item to add another that we feel is a higher value to us. And we can have a future deadline for getting rid of unused items, which might encourage us to utilize more of them on a regular basis.
We can also decide we want to keep all of the things that bring us joy, which might be more important than what we would be giving up to keep these items because we are allowed to choose whatever path brings us the most comfort and joy.
You've been listening to “Tips from an ADHD Coach” on the Understood Podcast Network. You can check out the show notes to find links to anything mentioned in the show and more resources. This show was brought to you by Understood.org.
Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.
“Tips from an ADHD Coach” is produced by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis. Jesse DeMartino edits the show. Video is produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright. Samiah Adams is our supervising producer, Briana Berry is our production director, and Neil Drumming is our editorial director. For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and I'm Jaye Lin. It's been an honor for me to be your host of “Tips from an ADHD Coach.” I wish you all the very best.