Why do some women with ADHD rush through the courting stage? Dr. Monica Johnson explains what happens in the ADHD brain during courting.From intense texting to early intimacy, the courting stage can look very different for women with ADHD. In this episode, find out what happens in the ADHD brain during courting. Learn how to recognize the difference between real chemistry and manipulation. And get tips on how to manage.
Why do some women with ADHD rush through the courting stage? Dr. Monica Johnson explains what happens in the ADHD brain during courting.
From intense texting to early intimacy, the courting stage can look very different for women with ADHD. In this episode, find out what happens in the ADHD brain during courting. Learn how to recognize the difference between real chemistry and manipulation. And get tips on how to manage.
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Timestamps:
(00:00) Intro
(01:07) What is courting?
(01:40) The ADHD brain and courting
(02:58) How emotional dysregulation impacts relationships
(04:42) Why courting can be challenging with ADHD
(08:37) How to tell chemistry from manipulation
(12:46) Tips for managing the courting stage
For a transcript and more resources, visit MissUnderstood on Understood.org. You can also email us at podcast@understood.org.
(00:00) Intro
Dr. J: Courting is supposed to be casual, texting back and forth, going out for a dinner here or there, a slow build. But for some women with ADHD, it's planning the birthday surprise before you even know their last name or trauma dumping before the appetizers arrive. Today, we're talking about ADHD and courting. I'll share what happens in our brains when we're courting someone new, and I'll share tips for how you can tell the difference between real chemistry and manipulation, aka love bombing. This is "ADHD and," where we talk about everyday life and ADHD. I'm your host, Dr. J. I'm a licensed psychologist who works with people with ADHD. We are continuing our series on ADHD and dating.
You're probably looking at me going, "Okay, boomer, but what the heck is courting?" Well, in my day, it was dating, but now you have like the "talking to" phase and all of these additional steps that don't make sense to me.
(01:07) What is courting?
Dr. J: So the classic definition of courting is basically the actions that you engage in when you're seeking attention of or attraction from another person. This can be dates, phone calls, "hey, beautiful" texts, anything that kind of supports your peacocking style. That's courting. When you're courting someone, you tend to have the intention of moving towards a relationship, not a situationship. Nobody needs courting--though you might prefer it for a situationship, we just need biology and consent.
(01:40) The ADHD brain and courting
Dr. J: So what's going on in our brains when we are courting someone new? Neuroimaging research shows that when people are in the infatuation or romantic love stage, brain regions associated with reward and motivation are highly activated and release large amounts of dopamine. For someone with ADHD whose brain may already have differences in dopamine signaling and reward sensitivity, this can create a particularly intense experience. The novelty, excitement, and anticipation of a new partner can feel especially stimulating and even regulating, at least temporarily.
Hyperfocus is a well-documented experience in ADHD where attention narrows intensely on something novel or highly rewarding. In the context of dating, this can look like texting constantly, replaying conversations in your mind over and over, or feeling like you just can't think about anything else. While it can feel euphoric, it also raises the risk of neglecting other responsibilities or ignoring red flags in the relationship.
(02:58) How emotional dysregulation impacts relationships
Dr. J: Emotional dysregulation in ADHD relationships creates a series of challenges that can significantly impact romantic connections. Let's talk about what that can look like. The first thing is mood swings. The emotional intensity that is characterized in ADHD can lead to rapid shifts between emotional states. A minor disagreement might trigger disproportionate emotional responses, while positive interactions can create super high highs. The mood fluctuations can be confusing and overwhelming for all partners.
The next is over-analyzing. The ADHD brain's tendency towards rumination can transform normal relationship interactions into sources of intense analysis. A delayed text response might spiral into hours of worry about the relationship's stability. This over-analysis often stems from rejection sensitive dysphoria, which is common with ADHD, and this is where you have a sensitivity to perceived criticism or rejection.
The next here is anxiety. The combination of emotional dysregulation and attachment insecurities can manifest itself as relationship anxiety. This can include persistent worry about your partner's satisfaction, fear of abandonment, and worry about your own adequacy as a romantic partner. The neurobiological differences in areas such as the amygdala and the frontal cortex in individuals with ADHD often contribute to this heightened anxiety response.
And then lastly here is emotional intensity. What might be minor relationship conflicts for neurotypical couples can feel catastrophic for people with ADHD. The inability to regulate emotional responses appropriately can turn small disagreements into relationship-threatening events.
Now, let's move into why courting can be tough.
(04:42) Why courting can be challenging with ADHD
Dr. J: Courting requires patience and consistency, and these aren't things that are always natural for people with ADHD. The first issue is executive function. Executive functions are the cognitive skills that help us plan, organize, and follow through. In ADHD, these systems are often under-strained. The first example here is texting back. Sometimes something as small as remembering to text people back just doesn't happen, not because you're disinterested, but because of working memory lapses that interrupt the process and you don't follow through.
The next is planning dates. Initiating, scheduling, and following through on plans requires multiple executive steps, which can overwhelm someone with ADHD. And then lastly here, showing up on time, time perception issues, which relates to difficulties around perceiving and estimating time is common and can lead to unintentionally giving a poor impression. For women, this often collides with gendered expectations to be thoughtful or consistent, which can create shame when ADHD symptoms interfere.
Number two is masking. Many women with ADHD become experts at masking, consciously or unconsciously, suppressing symptoms so that they can appear competent, put together, and socially quote-unquote "normal." In dating, this might look like over-preparing for conversations or rehearsing responses, mirroring a partner's interests to hide distractibility, or overcompensating by being overly accommodating or easygoing. Masking is exhausting, and it can create an early mismatch between how someone presents and what they can sustain long-term.
Number three is struggling to read social cues. ADHD can impact social cognition, including difficulties with perspective-taking and interpreting nonverbal cues. A date's subtle body language or change in tone may be missed, leading to awkward or mismatched responses. Interrupting or talking over someone, which is common with ADHD impulsivity, may be misinterpreted as rudeness rather than a symptom of attentional shifts. For women, this can trigger self-blame and overthinking after the date. Things like, "Did I say too much?" or "Did I seem weird?" which worsens the dating anxiety.
Number four is overgiving and oversharing. Research suggests that women with ADHD often struggle with rejection sensitivity and low self-esteem. In dating, this can drive number one, overgiving. So this is where you're showering your new partner with gifts, favors, or excessive attention to prove your worthiness. Or oversharing. So this is where you're disclosing highly personal or vulnerable information early in the relationship, hoping that it fosters closeness, but sometimes it has the effect of overwhelming the other person. These behaviors often come from a deep desire for connection, but they inadvertently create imbalance in the courting phase.
And number five is emotional impulsivity. Emotional impulsivity is a tendency to act on strong feelings without pause, and it's common in ADHD. In dating, it can backfire. And here are a few examples of how: saying "I love you" very early on, which may scare off your partner; pulling away dramatically after a perceived slight, even if the situation is ambiguous; or reacting strongly to slow texting or schedule changes, creating misunderstandings. While intensity can feel exciting, it may not give the relationship the steady foundation needed to grow.
Now let's shift to a question that I commonly get: How do you tell the difference between real chemistry and manipulation? Let's talk about it.
(08:37) How to tell chemistry from manipulation
Dr. J: Love bombing is a form of manipulation in which the other showers the person with attention, praise, gift-giving, but the intent behind it is control or to exploit them. Unlike genuine romantic interest, love bombing serves a calculated purpose: to create emotional dependency and make the target more susceptible to control. The classic hallmarks of love bombing include intense and immediate declarations of love. So professing deep feelings within days or weeks; excessive gift-giving; constant communication, so overwhelming the person with texts, calls, and messages that demand immediate responses; future-focused language, so premature talk about moving in together, marriage, or exclusive commitment; isolation tactics, which are disguised as devotion. So wanting to spend every single moment together and discouraging other relationships.
Love bombing creates a sense of dependency, which is then tapered off, leaving the victim wondering what happened to the nice person they first met. This cycle of intense attention followed by withdrawal is designed to create confusion and emotional dependence. Understanding the distinction between authentic romantic interest and manipulative love bombing requires examination of both the content and context of behaviors.
So let's look at genuine courting characteristics. First is a gradual intensity increase. Feelings and expressions of affection develop naturally over time. There's a respect for boundaries. So the person accepts "no" gracefully and doesn't pressure you for immediate commitment. There's interest in your whole life. So they ask about your friends, family, work, and interests without trying to monopolize your time. There's also consistency over time. So the behavior remains steady rather than fluctuating dramatically. They also encourage your independence. So they support your goals, your friendships, and your individual interests. The person handles conflict maturely. And there's transparency about their own life. So they open up about their past, present circumstances, and their future goals.
Courting doesn't have to be chaos. So here, let's explore some tips on how to stay grounded and still enjoy courting. The distinction between healthy enthusiasm and love bombing often lies in the motivation, respect for boundaries, and sustainability.
First thing we're going to look at is the components of healthy enthusiasm. The first thing to mention here is motivation. With that, it stems from genuine attraction, compatibility, and a desire for mutual connection. When we look at the pace, you're looking for a situation that allows the relationship to naturally develop without forcing premature intimacy. When we look at your boundaries, there's a respect for the need for space, time with others, and personal autonomy. In terms of sustainability, interest and affection remain consistent as the relationship progresses. For balance, they show an interest in you as a complete person and not just a romantic object. And then lastly with communication, they discuss feelings openly without pressure or manipulative tactics.
Now let's look at love bombing. When we look at the motivation for that, it's designed to create dependency, lower defenses, and establish control. In terms of the pace, there's a rush to intimacy and commitment to prevent careful evaluation of the relationship. For boundaries, they may view your boundaries as obstacles to overcome rather than limits to respect. For sustainability, the intensity of it cannot be maintained and often shifts to criticism or withdrawal. In terms of focus, they're primarily interested in your vulnerabilities and how to exploit them. And when it comes to communication, they use emotional manipulation, guilt, or pressure to achieve desired responses.
(12:46) Tips for managing the courting stage
Dr. J: For women with ADHD navigating the dating world, developing protective strategies is essential. Here are a few of my tips for that. First is to trust your discomfort. If something feels too good to be true or overwhelming, honor that feeling. If the dynamic ever feels unbalanced or emotionally unhealthy, don't hesitate to take a step back and evaluate what's best for you.
Next is to maintain your support network. Manipulators often try to isolate their targets. Keep your friendships and family relationships strong and listen when trusted people express concern about your romantic partner.
Next is to set and enforce boundaries. Practice stating your limits clearly and observe how the potential partner responds. Genuine interest includes a respect for your boundaries.
Next is to take time for reflection. The ADHD brain can get caught up in the excitement of a new romance. Build in regular check-ins with yourself about how the relationship is progressing and whether you feel genuinely supported.
And then lastly, seek professional support. Working with a therapist who understands ADHD can help you better understand yourself within relationships. You can develop relationship skills, improve self-esteem, and learn to recognize manipulative tactics. Not everything can be solved with general tips on the internet. Sometimes you need a professional that understands your story and can tailor their approaches. Because we all have a story, and sometimes that has to be known in order to get you to the happy ending that you're looking for.
This was part two of our ADHD and dating series. In our next episode, we're diving into dating and early relationships. If you enjoyed today's session, please watch our episode on ADHD and dating part one, where we explain why ADHD brains experience intense crushes so quickly.
Thank you so much for joining me on this episode of "ADHD and." What's a sensory hack that you found works really well for you? Let me know in the comments. Thank you so much for joining me. And if you enjoyed today's session, check out our episode on ADHD and emotional dysregulation where I explain why feelings like anger, sadness, and frustration can feel so strong for ADHD women to manage.
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Be sure to check out the show notes for this episode. There you'll find resources and links to anything I mentioned in the episode.
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And I'm your host, Dr. J.